Sealed With A Kiss of Forgiveness

On November 10th, 2003 I got engaged to a guy that I was head-over-heals in love with. We were going to get married in July '04. We had alot of the wedding planned, I even had a beautiful dress. I thought for sure that we would be together forever! He loved my kids and they loved him. He told me that he would never let anything come between us, and I believed him.

Two weeks after the New Year, He called off the wedding. I was devastated. He never really gave me a reason. When he did it, he did it with such...with...no emotion. Like he knew all along that he was going to do this.

I was still in love with him. Honestly, there will always be a place in my heart for him, just not the same place that it once was.
About 7 months after he broke my heart, he called me. Because I was stupid and still loving him, I played his games. He loved me-he loved me not....on and off.

Eventually my devastation turned into pure hatred. I wished nothing but bad things to happen to him. I hoped that he was miserable and lived a miserable life for the rest of it. I felt so good when I would hear how unhappy he was, actually, nothing gave me better joy at the time! Hearing about his failed relationships..."ahhh! getting what he deserves" is what I would be thinking.

I blogged once about how I wrote some people "mental letters" of forgiveness. I wrote about how I "sent" one to a girl and I hadnt felt that it worked. Well, he was one of my letters also.
Now, I have to see this man once a year, every year. His sister-in-law is one of my good friends and on her sons birthday we are both there at the same time.

This past year at the party, I seen him. He did not even acknowledge I was there. Which was ok by me. But, something was different this time that seperated it from the the other birthday parties. I was feeling forgiveness towards him. But not fully forgiven him. It was like a work in progress. I knew I needed to do more to let this burden go that has been holding me down for 4 years. But I was too scared. I thought that he wouldnt understand or think I was a psycho or something. So, I pushed it to the back of my mind. Until....

Last week on the radio the song "I'm not who I was" by Brandon Heath came on. Every single word in it was everything that I wanted to say to him.

Two days ago, I got a message from him. Just asking how I have been doing. Here was my chance, my God given chance to set this burden free. To let him know that I have truely forgiven him, and that I'm not who I was then. Do you think I had enough guts to tell him?

Well, I did!!! Today I sent him a message with the lyrics to that song. I told him that I have felt this way for a while but was too scared to contact him. I havent heard anything back from him yet, but, its ok if I dont. I feel that I did what God wanted me to do, so that I can move forward with my growth spiritually. Its amazing how much unforgieness holds us back from feeling Gods love and grace.

In one of his messages he said something about his marriage, and just from knowing his family I heard that its not going well. My heart breaks for him. Hearing that he is unhappy, and knowing that he doesnt have a relationship with Christ just hurts me deeply.
It actually saddens my soul...that is how I know I have truely forgiven him.

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was
I
was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was