My only question this morning was "what in the world are You trying to teach me today?".
6am, Sam (my baby-who is teething by the way) wakes up.
6:45am, Zach (my 7yr old) wakes up and wants breakfast.
7am, Austin (my 5yr old) wakes up and is in a great mood (which is NOT normal for him).
7:10am, Zach is throwing a fit because the only thing we have to eat for breakfast is Cheerios (which by the way he LOVES- just not today).
7:30am, Grandpa pick up the boys to take them to school.
7:31am, aahhhhh.....breath Sarah.....
Then, I feed Sam a bottle, take a shower, get dresses, do my hair and make-up and get Sam ready and....
8:30am, WOW!! I'm never ready by 8:30! Woohoo! "I'm going to be on time"!
8:31am-9:05am,
-go to take a basket of table clothes out to the car and I notice the snow isn't shoveled.
-take the basket back inside, grab the shovel (which by the way is freezing cold) and attempt to clear a walk- with no gloves because I couldn't find any.
-go back and grab the basket and take it to the car (with freezing cold hands that I can't feel)
-get Sam in his car seat and pack the diaper bag.
-while Sam is crying because he hates the car seat, I am looking for my bible.
-I go up-stairs, no, I look down-stairs, no, then I go up one more time, still no.
-I remember that should probably grab a couple of tampons (sorry for the details), so I go back up-stairs...
-Duh...there is my bible, on the stairs (remember I passed it like 4 times), grab the tampons.
-"Mmm... maybe I should put on a pad-just in case" (sorry again).
-go into the bathroom,put on a pad, pull up my undies and the pad was all the way in the front. "ok, not going to work"
-I tried to adjust it but it got all stuck together, so...
-I put a different one on, that one was all the way in back "geez, whats the deal", tried to fix that one and it got stuck together...
-Tried another one and the wings stuck to the bottom before I could even try to stick to my undies!!! "what the..... AAAHHHH!!"
-Last chance, I stuck it on first and then I pulled of the paper for the wings, " 'bout time!"
-Get Sam in the car and go to lock up the house and my house key wasn't were it usually is.
-So now I'm searching frantically (while on the phone with my mom who called at the ever so perfect time) for my key, "ok, found it in my purse"
-I get in the car and turn on the wipers and there stuck to the window. "PERFECT"!!!
-I start taking some aggression out on the ice stuck on the window to free the wipers. "MOM, I GOTTA GO"!
-Finally, they are free. I get in the car and look at the clock.
" 9:10!! CRAP! I'm going to be late"! (that is nothing new though)
-The whole time I was planning on getting a latte before bible study but now all I want is a sausage muffin and a coke!
-The man that cut in front of me while pulling into McDonald's didn't know what he wanted, of course
-And, in addition to all the pot holes I was trying to avoid on Locust St., there was a man driving in the middle of the road so that he was avoiding them, thus keeping traffic at a cool 28mph!
-In front of Duck Creek Park, I threw up my hands and asked "What in the world are You trying to teach me today?" and I said "I'm giving this to You, I am so frustrated right now, please, take it, I give it to You, teach me something!!!"
9:35am, I pull up to church. Only 5 minutes late!
Looking back at my morning, I can see were He was teaching me things. I thought that it was patience, but, it was more than that. Yes, patience was one of them, but also I learned something about dependence on Him, in everything I do, in everything. I also learned that I am not in control, He is! As soon as I gave up control, the rest of the ride there was smooth as silk, He is in control always!
God is so amazing! I am praising Him so much more after the morning that I had than any other morning before. "Thank you so much Lord, for loving me enough to teach me when I feel unteachable! I love you! You are so amazing! Thank you!"
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Monday, February 18, 2008
Sealed With A Kiss of Forgiveness
On November 10th, 2003 I got engaged to a guy that I was head-over-heals in love with. We were going to get married in July '04. We had alot of the wedding planned, I even had a beautiful dress. I thought for sure that we would be together forever! He loved my kids and they loved him. He told me that he would never let anything come between us, and I believed him.
Two weeks after the New Year, He called off the wedding. I was devastated. He never really gave me a reason. When he did it, he did it with such...with...no emotion. Like he knew all along that he was going to do this.
I was still in love with him. Honestly, there will always be a place in my heart for him, just not the same place that it once was.
About 7 months after he broke my heart, he called me. Because I was stupid and still loving him, I played his games. He loved me-he loved me not....on and off.
Eventually my devastation turned into pure hatred. I wished nothing but bad things to happen to him. I hoped that he was miserable and lived a miserable life for the rest of it. I felt so good when I would hear how unhappy he was, actually, nothing gave me better joy at the time! Hearing about his failed relationships..."ahhh! getting what he deserves" is what I would be thinking.
I blogged once about how I wrote some people "mental letters" of forgiveness. I wrote about how I "sent" one to a girl and I hadnt felt that it worked. Well, he was one of my letters also.
Now, I have to see this man once a year, every year. His sister-in-law is one of my good friends and on her sons birthday we are both there at the same time.
This past year at the party, I seen him. He did not even acknowledge I was there. Which was ok by me. But, something was different this time that seperated it from the the other birthday parties. I was feeling forgiveness towards him. But not fully forgiven him. It was like a work in progress. I knew I needed to do more to let this burden go that has been holding me down for 4 years. But I was too scared. I thought that he wouldnt understand or think I was a psycho or something. So, I pushed it to the back of my mind. Until....
Last week on the radio the song "I'm not who I was" by Brandon Heath came on. Every single word in it was everything that I wanted to say to him.
Two days ago, I got a message from him. Just asking how I have been doing. Here was my chance, my God given chance to set this burden free. To let him know that I have truely forgiven him, and that I'm not who I was then. Do you think I had enough guts to tell him?
Well, I did!!! Today I sent him a message with the lyrics to that song. I told him that I have felt this way for a while but was too scared to contact him. I havent heard anything back from him yet, but, its ok if I dont. I feel that I did what God wanted me to do, so that I can move forward with my growth spiritually. Its amazing how much unforgieness holds us back from feeling Gods love and grace.
In one of his messages he said something about his marriage, and just from knowing his family I heard that its not going well. My heart breaks for him. Hearing that he is unhappy, and knowing that he doesnt have a relationship with Christ just hurts me deeply.
It actually saddens my soul...that is how I know I have truely forgiven him.
I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was
I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so
I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was
When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you
I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was
I
was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello
Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about
I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
Two weeks after the New Year, He called off the wedding. I was devastated. He never really gave me a reason. When he did it, he did it with such...with...no emotion. Like he knew all along that he was going to do this.
I was still in love with him. Honestly, there will always be a place in my heart for him, just not the same place that it once was.
About 7 months after he broke my heart, he called me. Because I was stupid and still loving him, I played his games. He loved me-he loved me not....on and off.
Eventually my devastation turned into pure hatred. I wished nothing but bad things to happen to him. I hoped that he was miserable and lived a miserable life for the rest of it. I felt so good when I would hear how unhappy he was, actually, nothing gave me better joy at the time! Hearing about his failed relationships..."ahhh! getting what he deserves" is what I would be thinking.
I blogged once about how I wrote some people "mental letters" of forgiveness. I wrote about how I "sent" one to a girl and I hadnt felt that it worked. Well, he was one of my letters also.
Now, I have to see this man once a year, every year. His sister-in-law is one of my good friends and on her sons birthday we are both there at the same time.
This past year at the party, I seen him. He did not even acknowledge I was there. Which was ok by me. But, something was different this time that seperated it from the the other birthday parties. I was feeling forgiveness towards him. But not fully forgiven him. It was like a work in progress. I knew I needed to do more to let this burden go that has been holding me down for 4 years. But I was too scared. I thought that he wouldnt understand or think I was a psycho or something. So, I pushed it to the back of my mind. Until....
Last week on the radio the song "I'm not who I was" by Brandon Heath came on. Every single word in it was everything that I wanted to say to him.
Two days ago, I got a message from him. Just asking how I have been doing. Here was my chance, my God given chance to set this burden free. To let him know that I have truely forgiven him, and that I'm not who I was then. Do you think I had enough guts to tell him?
Well, I did!!! Today I sent him a message with the lyrics to that song. I told him that I have felt this way for a while but was too scared to contact him. I havent heard anything back from him yet, but, its ok if I dont. I feel that I did what God wanted me to do, so that I can move forward with my growth spiritually. Its amazing how much unforgieness holds us back from feeling Gods love and grace.
In one of his messages he said something about his marriage, and just from knowing his family I heard that its not going well. My heart breaks for him. Hearing that he is unhappy, and knowing that he doesnt have a relationship with Christ just hurts me deeply.
It actually saddens my soul...that is how I know I have truely forgiven him.
I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was
I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so
I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was
When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you
I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was
I
was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello
Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about
I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
Monday, February 4, 2008
The World is Full of It
Disappointment.
"Some disasters can be blessings, and, some blessings can be disasters". That was what I pulled out of a fortune cookie one time. I taped it on a container in the kitchen so that I would see it every now and then. Sometimes I see it at just the right time.
While emailing a friend back and forth from my group, she confessed to me that when she was originally placed at our table she was a little disappointed. The majority of our table is young mothers, but by no means is my friend too old for our table. She told me that she just felt that God would place her with older women, that "older is wiser".
When I first started Heartstrings...my 2nd session, I was disappointed. I was placed at a table with young women. I am a young woman, only 26! But I felt that "older was wiser" and that God would place me with women that I could learn from, women who were established in their faith and could teach me how to be a "perfect" Christ follower.
God always knows better than us, I have always had a hard time digesting that. No one knows me better than....well...me! Nobody. Except God.
Why dont we trust God more? Even with something as small as sitting with someone? He knew from the very begining who and why we were assigned to that table. Understanding that He is always aware of and looking out for our best interests is something so amazing. If we cant trust that we are here for His will in the small situations, than how in the world are we to trust Him in the big ones?
This disappointment however, was a true blessing, for both of us. Some of the girls from that 2nd session I still sit with and we have become great friends. We have learned so much from eachother. Although no one is a "perfect" Christ follower, we have learned together how to live a more Christ-like life.
Understanding that God sees the big picture, and that we only see the corner is probably something that I will never grasp, but allowing Him to do His work is something that I am learning to except.
"Some disasters can be blessings, and, some blessings can be disasters". That was what I pulled out of a fortune cookie one time. I taped it on a container in the kitchen so that I would see it every now and then. Sometimes I see it at just the right time.
While emailing a friend back and forth from my group, she confessed to me that when she was originally placed at our table she was a little disappointed. The majority of our table is young mothers, but by no means is my friend too old for our table. She told me that she just felt that God would place her with older women, that "older is wiser".
When I first started Heartstrings...my 2nd session, I was disappointed. I was placed at a table with young women. I am a young woman, only 26! But I felt that "older was wiser" and that God would place me with women that I could learn from, women who were established in their faith and could teach me how to be a "perfect" Christ follower.
God always knows better than us, I have always had a hard time digesting that. No one knows me better than....well...me! Nobody. Except God.
Why dont we trust God more? Even with something as small as sitting with someone? He knew from the very begining who and why we were assigned to that table. Understanding that He is always aware of and looking out for our best interests is something so amazing. If we cant trust that we are here for His will in the small situations, than how in the world are we to trust Him in the big ones?
This disappointment however, was a true blessing, for both of us. Some of the girls from that 2nd session I still sit with and we have become great friends. We have learned so much from eachother. Although no one is a "perfect" Christ follower, we have learned together how to live a more Christ-like life.
Understanding that God sees the big picture, and that we only see the corner is probably something that I will never grasp, but allowing Him to do His work is something that I am learning to except.
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